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| Article by: Jessica Sappenfield, MFT Intern Counselor School Based Services in Stanislaus County |
Sometimes we get so caught up in a child’s negative behaviors we lose track of the positive behaviors that are occurring. This creates problems for both parent and child. I hear all kinds of interesting comments related to praise. Praise is a very simple tool that can be the cause of great confusion in parents at times. I would like to take a quick look at some of the questions and misperceptions related to praising our children and briefly highlight some of the benefits involved in this effective tool.
Some parents feel as though their child is so defiant there is nothing to praise. To praise children requires some work on our part and looking for that glimpse of goodness can be hard to detect, especially when the negative is so blaring and frequent. Yet there is always something positive present even if it is just a mere gesture. I find that the individuals who often have these remarks are the parents who are overextended and depleted; they too are often depressed and overwhelmed. When a parent is in this state it is quite difficult to identify the prosocial (positive social) behaviors present in the child.
Self-care and respite for parents is a must with difficult to manage children. In addition, some parents struggle to praise themselves. It is much easier for parents to provide praise when they have very positive internal self-talk.
Parents also say that children should know how to behave. The only way a child learns to engage in a particular behavior is by having that behavior reinforced, which then makes it more likely to occur. If a child’s behavior is ignored, it is less likely to be repeated. Expecting our children to behave well without reinforcements and rewards is unrealistic; no good behavior should be taken for granted in children, for then it will disappear.
Children are also not spoiled by praise nor does praise train them to work only for external approval or rewards. Actually, the opposite is true! Children who are motivated only for external approval and attention tend to be those who have received little praise from adults. Children who receive more praise develop increased self-esteem and are much less dependent on these external rewards. They too can provide themselves with this positive reinforcement and are more likely to praise others.
Some parents make a point to save their praise for really outstanding accomplishments. What we can forget in this process is that no one can achieve success without failures. And often throughout this journey of reaching such achievements, there are many steps involving both successes and failures. The focus should be on the process, otherwise the opportunity to praise the child may never come. If we can really begin to focus attention on the act of trying to do a particular behavior, the child’s behavior will gradually shape in the desired direction. It is important to remember to praise even the most mundane positive behaviors (e.g., speaking quietly and doing what is asked).
Do not combine praise with commands and criticism. Some people give praise yet, without realizing it, undermine the child by being sarcastic or combining it with a punisher. This is the most disruptive thing a parent can do when using praise. It sends the message to the child that they are not good enough and the child often reads with discouragement and stops trying. Parents need to go back to the goal and remember what it is we are trying to do.
There are also instances where children reject praise; this can be very frustrating for parents. These children are often somewhat aggressive and very difficult to parent. They also tend to internalize a negative self-concept because of constant criticism and rejection they may have received. When presented with the alternative positive view, they find this image difficult to accept and would prefer to cling to their familiar negative self-image. These children need EVEN MORE praise than other children. Here again it is helpful to constantly be on the search for positives and help the child begin to internalize a positive self-concept.
Praise can be rewarding, not only in teaching and encouraging new behaviors in children, but in diminishing undesired behavior and in building the child’s self-esteem. And the parents feel better, too.
